Glastonbury dream headliners. 30 June 2015 Or: 'the real greatest living rock stars on the planet'

Whatever you thought of you-know-who’s Saturday headline slot this year, you are obviously entitled to your opinion. And everybody has an opinion it seems. So we thought we’d channel our responses into our own headline picks. Who would you pick?

A few people in our office are Glastonbury regulars. I’m not one of them. I do however watch some of it on telly and arriving back at the cottage on Saturday evening following our annual Glyndebourne sojourn; we caught some of Kanye West’s set. Back in London on Sunday night, we watched The Who perform about three songs. On Sunday afternoon we caught a bit of Lionel Ritchie on the radio and we also watched a Hot Chip mash-up of Bruce Springsteen and LCD Soundsystem. None of it was very inspiring, though Ritchie was by far the closest to being properly good. Even this small sample indicates the variety that Glastonbury has to offer, and, whatever your personal taste in music, there probably really is something for everyone. I do enjoy it from my armchair. But going back to Kanye, without saying anything that hasn’t already been said, I was prompted to take a straw poll of headliner suggestions from those in the team here who are at all bothered about such things, as well as putting my own top 5 dream headline suggestions together. I’ll start with those:

ABBA – they could headline any night or the heritage slot and absolutely kill it – except they would probably kill each other first. I’ve seen Bjorn Again at a festival and if the real band is anywhere near as good as the tribute act I would defy anyone not to have the time of their festival going life, or just life full stop. You can see it can’t you? You are agreeing with me aren’t you? If not, you’re basically dead to me anyway. Check them out, man.

KATE BUSH – another artist who could headline any of the 3 top slots. Although I could easily watch her 2014 comeback show again, I’d really like it if she put albums 1-4 + some Sensual World stuff together for me and left her son at home. Sadly, like the ABBA dream, this is never going to happen. 

PRINCE: yet another artist who can turn any night of the week into the best night on earth, of all time. I’d love him to do a spin the wheel set (like I saw Elvis Costello do at the Albert Hall) featuring anything he ever wrote and / or recorded in his entire career. If the wheel stopped on the same song twice I would not care. There are not enough headliners you can dance to, but Prince has the power to get the BBC in trouble by encouraging a mass orgy

SIMON & GARFUNKEL – I think the 4pm Sunday slot would be a bit of a waste and definitely see them as the perfect festival closer. Another potentially volatile scenario, but not insurmountable and the tension would just add to the jeopardy that is lacking in so many headline acts these days. (‘ooh, he’s in a Cherry Picker. Oh, he’s strapped into a safety harness’). They could play any of their songs in any order they liked as long as they played Only Living Boy in New York at some stage. Thank you. 

RADIOHEAD – being the best rock band on the planet basically means they can come back as many times as they like and it will never, ever disappoint anyone. EVER

Clair Chamberlain

Here’s what some of the team suggested:

‘James Bay: because he’s dreamy.’ Sasha Haughan

‘Chas & Dave- the true greatest living rock stars on the planet.’ Sarah Farrell

‘Kanye West (again). In that first ten minutes he did everything the greatest rock star on the planet should do – scared, shocked, thrilled, challenged and generally worked 100,000 people with just a mic and a few hundred parcans. It tailed off after that, but give him another chance. Only condition is that Taylor Swift has to guest next time.’ Stephen Pidcock

‘John Mayer, Justin Timberlake, Pharrell, Drake’ Chloe Prichard Gordon

‘Dizzy Rascal (would show Kanye how it’s meant to be done); ACDC (been rumoured for a while and would be great); Ed Sheeran (did such a great job on the pyramid stage in 2014, can really work the crowd and has some great tracks. Perhaps too soon for him as he needs another couple of albums, but he is definitely headline material); Fleetwood Mac (couldn’t do it this year because of doing the Isle of Wight, but would be a very popular choice with some massive hits); The Killers (Mr Brightside would be an excellent end to the festival); Blur (reformed and better than ever). Legend Slot (4pm on Sunday) – Annie Lennox, UB40, Bruce Springsteen, Earth Wind and Fire, Stevie Wonder or Eric Clapton’ Hannah Osborne

‘Rihanna.  Imagine it: you’re caked in mud, sweat and flat beer, drinking from a 1 litre bottle which is the vessel for a strangely intriguing mixture of pineapple juice, Malibu and flat diet Coke and you’re suspicious that you’ll never be properly dry again. But here to awaken you from your mid-Glastonbury slump, her most potent Saturday night banger opening a 2 hour set of gigantean hits, our triumphant pop ice-queen ascends to the Pyramid Stage. ‘ Sara Sherwood



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