The Rules of Commuting. 17 September 2014 16 ways to make tube travel in the Capital more bearable.

1. Wait for people to disembark before trying to get on the train. It’s just common sense. And if you’re on the train, don’t block people getting off. I will rugby tackle you.

2. If you are queuing on the platform waiting for another packed train to pass you by, don’t jump the queue and push in front of the person who has been waiting for longer than you. We are all in a rush for work/school/the gym and maybe you should have got up five minutes earlier.

3. Be polite and give up your seat to someone who is pregnant or elderly or looks like they might pass out. Don’t pretend to go to sleep and ignore them. Karma’s a bitch.

4. Don’t lean on the handrails in a busy carriage. Some of us aren’t quite tall enough to reach the overhead bars and we really don’t want to fall over (and ‘accidentally’ knock into you) because we can’t hang on.

5. Don’t paint your nails. Subjecting us to the stink of fumes where the air isn’t fresh to start with is just unfair.

6. Don’t do your make up either. Unless you want people taking notes about how to paint on the most ridiculous looking scouse brow they have ever seen.

7. Don’t pick/cut/scratch your nose/nails/ear or other bodily parts. It’s disgusting and can wait until you get somewhere a bit more private.

8. Keep moving. Don’t stop in entrances to the platforms or just as you are getting off an escalator. If you’re travelling in rush hour, work out which line you need to change onto before you travel. Otherwise I can guarantee someone will collide with you and maybe run over your feet with a 32kg suitcase.

9. If you’re one of those people with a 32kg suitcase, no one is going to want to help you up 100 steps. Pack lighter next time or get a taxi.

10. Public displays of affection are inappropriate and generally make people want to throw up. Get a room already.

11. Tourists should be banned during rush hour unless they can a) stand on the right, b) understand what ‘excuse me’ means and c) aren’t in possession of a stupid umbrella.

12. If you have any personal hygiene issues that result in bad body odour, please don’t come anywhere near me. And don’t even breathe in my direction.

13. If the doors are closing, don’t try to squeeze through a space only a fly could get manage.

14. Get your Oyster card ready to go through the barriers and make sure it’s topped up. Otherwise, it’s a bit embarrassing for you.

15. Don’t listen to music with headphones that are actually loudspeakers. No one wants to hear Carly Rae Jepson on repeat.

16. I know we all like to pass the time on a train with a book or newspaper. Just don’t invade my personal space because your broadsheet is bigger than the width of your seat.

If everyone followed these simple rules, the commuting world would definitely be a better place. Have I missed anything?!

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